Dr.
Frisch’s E-News
A Publication of Dr. Glenn Frisch:
4137 Woodland Road
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763-784-5304 • 763-784-5349 (fax) • dr.frisch@att.net • © 2002, Dr. Frisch. All Rights Reserved
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Dr. Glenn Frisch This month's issue of ENews was very enjoyable, but sometimes difficult to compose. I have written about some of my core beliefs as well as generally accepted ideas about relationships. This begins with the relationship you have with yourself and moves on through your relationships with immediate family, extended family and finally, your relationship with the world around you. My views are not to be taken as a bible for how you are supposed to live your life, but rather, ideas for thought and maybe reflection. The hardest 6 inches in the world is often right between our ears. Personally defying facts or objective observations because of biased emotions and/or a false belief of control is too often the downfall of one or more relationships. Some of these relationships can be rebuilt, others cannot. The glasses with which we see the world often have many colors. We must always remember that objective observations and facts should precede opinions. This is often more difficult than it sounds. It takes practice to reserve an opinion until you know more about the situation or the individual. In closing, I would like to pose a thought: " When you gain because of an action that caused another person's loss, did you actually win, or did you merely do harm?" This question is pretty self-explanatory, but it does set up the premise for the rest of this newsletter. I hope you enjoy this issue and it is of benefit in your life! Dr. Frisch
TRAIT RULES? Extrovert plus (+) honest and sincere = likable, personable and desirable to others. Extrovert plus (+) jealous and selfish = boarish, cruel and likely deceptive. Introvert plus (+) trustworthy and sympathetic = kind, honest and likely dependable. Introvert plus (+) envious and greedy = sneaky, dishonest and self serving. I think that you can see that being an introvert or an extrovert is not nearly as important as the traits that go with them! |
What is Your 'Personal' Relationship?
WOW! Is this a loaded question, or what? What I mean by a personal relationship is not how you relate with others, but rather how do you relate with yourself? A personal relationship with yourself is probably the most important relationship you will ever develop. Before we jump too far into what a personal relationship is, let's first describe what a personal relationship IS NOT. Your personal relationship is not:
A personal relationship is just that, your relationship with YOU! To put it very simply, are you 'comfortable in your own skin'? Too many people reach 'outward' to try and find themselves and give some meaning to their lives. This is an attempt to satisfy an ego state that requires completion. It is much like opening a kitchen pantry and seeing all of the shelves full of 'food stuff' except one. The empty shelf appears to be missing something or 'lacking' fulfillment, when in fact it is nothing more than an empty shelf. The emotional part of us likes completion. It wants to fill the empty shelf with something (even if it is motor oil) to fill a void, an emptiness. This perceived emptiness is the part of us that often causes us to make unwise or completely stupid decisions! As a child or teen this may have resulted defiance or aggressive behavior. It may also have resulted in personal pressure to be an outstanding student, athlete or musician. Thinking that, " If I excel at this, it will help establish who I am" often results in unhappiness because, even if they are successful, they often end up unhappy. They were trying to use outward stimulation to fill an emotional state that can't be filled from the outside in. We make the same mistakes as adults when we believe that an important job, a bigger house, or lots of money will fulfill us. Once we have all of that 'then we will be who we want to be'. Nothing could be further from the truth. It often takes you further away from who you want to be. One only needs to listen to the news to realize that rich people have their problems as well. The personal relationship we have with ourselves has nothing to do with any of the worldly matters. This relationship is built on 'Internal Contentment'. That may seem like a boring phrase, but it works for what I am going to describe. 'Internal Contentment' is a state of calmness, security and pleasure. It is devoid of anger, jealousy, greed, insecurity or control. It is independent of outside forces and actually 'centers' you to face the world without fear or hostility. This state is what we are all trying to achieve in our daily lives, whether we realize it or not. 'Internal Contentment' leads to personal self-worth and the subsequent self-worth of others. This 'Internal Contentment' state is a true physical state. It is not something that can be acquired, it must be learned over time! Since there are no set rules to develop this personal state, let me give you some simple 'realizations' that may help you learn what this personal relationship is about.
TRAITS 1. Are you an ____ extrovert or an ____ introvert? 2. Which 2 (or more) of these positive traits do you feel you posses: ___honesty ___sincerity ____ trustworthiness ____ sympathy ____self empowerment ___caring ___ goal-oriented 3. Which 2 (or more) of theses negative traits do you posses: (be honest!) ___ jealousy ____ greed ____selfishness ___ anger ___ envy ___ insecurity ___ stubbornness ___ dependency
4. Exposure of Negative Traits
5. Positive Trait Re-enforcement
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How Close is Close SPOUSE and PARTNER Our personal interaction with others is what keeps us grounded within society. To be a loner and shunned by others is not personally desirable and in society, often not acceptable. We actually do need other people around us to become more complete as human beings. It doesn't matter how 'nice', 'honest' or 'trustworthy' we are, if we are alone. We need others around us to make those traits important and useful. "If you tell a lie in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, is it still a lie?" Of course it is! When we decide to do things that are dishonest, illegal or even immoral, there is an impact on those around us. The first person affected is likely our spouse or significant other. This personal interaction with another person is one of the most satisfying experiences we will know as humans, but it can also be a powder keg of raw emotions. When we neglect or ignore the basic rules of maintaining a relationship we run the risk of losing that relationship. No relationship is without 'periods' of challenge, whether it is emotional, goal-oriented, physical or even financial. These are challenges we would often have with or without a partner so we must make sure our frustrations are directed properly. Here are some simple 'rules' that apply to relationships with another person on an intimate level. We have all heard versions of these, but they bear repeating. Rules of Caring
I hope that your personal relationship with others enriches your life. There are many more components to a successful relationship than just these three, but if you implemented only these three, I think you will be happy with the direction they take you! Life and relationships are fluid and evolve with time. That evolution and growth should have an appropriate base to start from. Stupid Forever During a friendly argument, my wife asked me why "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," she said "But I've never heard of anyone falling out of stupid."
( Hey, I think it's cute!) |
Do You Relate? FAMILY This area of discussion, at times, gets a little weird for most people. It is difficult to understand how a group of individuals could all be raised in a similar environment, with the same genetic make-up and turn out so differently. What causes all this turmoil? - LEARNED LIFE EXPERIENCE - This broad statement has little to do with the actual experiences we have had and more with what we learned from those experiences! The end result of an experience should be knowledge. That knowledge should be incorporated exponentially making us wiser and more aware as time progresses. Why doesn't it then? Oh, but it does. Just not the way you think! As much as people may not like rules in their relationships, they love rules when it comes to their view of the world. This view starts young:
These are fun little scenarios of status base within a family. If we think that those attitudes don't carry over into life we are wearing blinders. The developmental stages we go through ARE experiences and we do learn. We learn to excel and we learn to give up. In periods of stress and anxiety, we return to previously learned behaviors and what 'worked' at that time in our life to get what we wanted or needed. The frustration begins when previously learned behaviors or actions no longer work to 'fix' problems or situations we don't like. Stagnation, frustration, hate, resentment and envy are just a few of the emotions that might occur in a perceived 'non-fixable' state. The emotions are usually directed outward to others in the family pecking order. This will likely continue until the sibling gets what they want. This usually means that someone else had to give in or sacrifice something for it to occur. But what happens if they DON'T get what they want? 'Hell on Earth' is an acceptable term. Interfamily fighting is common, but why? There are plenty of families who do not fight, get along and are generally supportive of each other. What have those families learned that others haven't? Learned Experience Leads to a Recognition of Self-Worth and Self-Worth of Others! Successful family interaction relies on a degree of self- worth and understanding that all family members have self-worth. When an individual's self-worth is realized, the importance of 'being first', 'being better' and 'punishing those who resist you' is no longer an issue. Learning true self-worth is actually liberating! You evolve from using infantile emotions that used to serve a purpose (but are no longer valid) to establishing a set of 'rules' that will last a lifetime. Life becomes productive and optimistic, rather than restrictive and degrading. Adult children who refuse to accept maturity and the self-worth of others, likely have ulterior motives and should not be trusted. Immaturity as an adult is more focused and dangerous than immaturity as a child. The first stages of influencing self-worth begin with good parenting. Guidance and instruction at an early age sets the stage. A lack of early guidance often allows 'false rules' to be established that may take a lifetime to change. Our prisons are full of people that established a 'false set of rules' that were not corrected or realized early enough. That is also why the secondary crime rate is so high. The criminals went back to what they 'wanted to do', even though they knew it was wrong! A recent study on development echoed this thought. When self esteem was controlled and family challenges made, students did better in school. Controlling their self-esteem alone did not improve grades or extra activities. Hence, they need guidance! (Journal of Youth and Adolescence. Vol 32(1), Feb 2003, pp.37-46.) Realizing self-worth and the self-worth of other family members is a great start to building strong lifetime bonds. Sometimes, however, building those bonds is not possible because too much destruction has already occurred or will continue to occur. Because you may be forced to distance yourself from such people, your self-worth does not need to be diminished. The world needs self-actualized people! |
I married her in the first place. "I was just stupid," I
teased. When she said that she was happy to hear that, I had
to ask her why?
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EILEEN'S CORNER This dish will go well with your Easter ham. Parmesan Potatoes
1- 24 oz. bag of shredded potatoes, thawed. 2 1/2 Cup Half & Half 1 Stick of Butter (less is you like!) 1/2 teaspoon of Salt Chopped Onion - to taste (Garlic too if you like. 1 Cup ( or more) of grated Parmesan Cheese. Once you make this dish a couple of times you will find the proportions of Onion, Garlic and Parmesan Cheese that YOU like! Place the thawed potatoes in a 9x13 pan and gently form them to the shape of the pan. Heat the Half & Half, Butter, Onion, Salt and Garlic just until the butter is melted. Pour this mix OVER the potatoes. Sprinkle Liberal amounts of Parmesan Cheese over the potato and cream mix. Place it in a pre-heated 350 degree oven and BAKE it for 45 minutes or until the top is golden brown. Enjoy! Eileen !Recent News! There were some recent bills proposed at the capital that would have greatly impaired your ability to even get care after an automobile accident! Automobile related injuries would have had to follow HMO guidelines and your ability to treat for injuries would have been decided BY THE INSURANCE COMPANY!!!! WOW. Many contacts were made and discussions occurred. As a result NOTHING will change this year, but they will likely try again next year. If I think something is happening that will affect you health care, I will notify you. (That is why we have your e-mail address. You can find out early and make a difference!) |
YOU AND THE WORLD
The world is a big place and lately, a very dangerous place! We do fit into a world family, but unlike what some news and print media would like us to believe, we are NOT all the same! As you have realized from reading this newsletter, we are not just a part of our environment, but a product of it as well. Our view of other cultures and religions (or our ignorance of them) will be skewed by preconceived ideas about them. Some may be accurate, while others will be very inaccurate. Does that mean we need to be apologetic for other people's lives? No, why should we, unless we were somehow at fault? There is a significant difference between being concerned about your neighbors and being responsible for them! If you confuse the two, you will have a never ending problem on your hands. Concern Genuine concern for another person's well-being is not only admirable, but it is necessary for a community, a region and even a state to thrive. Concern, however, does have a cut-off point. When your concern reaches a point that you feel you should do something, your level of concern has gone through stages of empathy, sympathy, and has progressed to a 'desire to help'. This is a normal and expected series of events. To feel this is to be alive and care! When your desire to help takes over, you will likely feel the need do something. You can help inform, teach, or even give money to those persons in need of your assistance. You have taken an ACTION to help another. This is the end of concern. You have now DONE something to help. A one-time action may be needed or maybe you will choose to make a long term commitment. Remember, however, if you choose to commit to someone or something, you now have responsibility. Responsibility is different than concern. Responsibility Responsibility is a commitment to a person, group or purpose. Once you have accepted responsibility, there is often time and financial demands. Someone who belongs to a charity group, for example, may find themselves working extra hours and giving extra dollars they hadn't planned on. They may have been concerned and wanted to get involved, but ended up taking on a responsibility they really didn't want or were unable to sustain! Do you see the difference? Concern can and often does result in an action, but responsibility requires a commitment. This is where the problem begins. PEOPLE NEED A HAND UP, NOT A HANDOUT Concern allows you to help one or many lives. That is something to be proud of and admired. Responsibility means that you are promising to provide a service, help or money to someone else for an undetermined amount of time. When you decide that you no longer have the time for a charity or the money to give to a 'cause' (or maybe a country?) what do you think happens? That's right, they get mad!! They feel you took something away from them that they were somehow entitled to. They think you took from them even though they know you were actually giving to them! It sounds cruel to some people that society actually expects them to contribute. This is where you need to be solid (sometimes vocal) in your convictions of concern versus responsibility. Personal responsibility makes everyone a good neighbor! I have covered quite a bit of ground in this newsletter. As I said earlier, I do not consider what I talked about today to be written in stone, but rather, guides and ideas that may make your life a little less stressful and more fulfilling. See you next month, Dr. Frisch |